"Modes" of Description

I’ve spent the last few days reviewing and editing much of the completed portions of my screenplay, and I’ve tried to isolate character features. The main “funny-guy” character in the movie is definitely my favorite right now. I’ve based the character’s actions on a few of my friends (most prominently Chandler Ferris and Ryan Pennick), but the character’s thought process is probably best described as befuddled. One tendency of mine that I have incorporated into the character is my all too common penchant for saying someone is in “(Insert Peculiar Person, Thing, Attitude, etc) Mode” when I’m trying to describe their actions. If it’s something undesirable, which it normally is, I generally offer my theory for correcting the act. It is actually a very fun game when your with friends at a boring bar. I’ve set aside the best ones my friends and I have come up with over the years for possible use in the screenplay, but so you can visually grasp what I am describing, here are a few (I’ll post more later) examples I know I won’t use:

“Biggie Puffy” Mode – This is when a small guy with an inferiority complex wears one of those massive, puffy jackets that visually makes him appear 75 pounds heavier than reality. The majority of these cloaks come in obnoxious, glow-in-the-dark colors such as Freddie Mercury Enamel (neon yellow). Like Notorious BIG, these perpetrators often have that highly recognizable “I smell shit” look on their face.

How do you reverse “Biggie Puffy” Mode when necessary?
My favorite technique is simply tossing (remember he only weighs 15 pounds) this poser into a large body of water and watching him sink in his imitation life jacket. I hear playing Tupac works just as effectively, but there is a risk of being shot 64 times.

“I Think I’m Hot, But I’m Not” Mode – This specifically involves females who don’t know how to cover themselves properly. Think Rosie O’Donnell in some Lindsey Lohan outfit (or lack thereof). One of my pals has suggested we rename this one “When did Charles Barkley Become a Hooker?” Mode.

How do you reverse “I Think I’m Hot, But I’m Not” Mode?
This one requires either a quick rubber-band-like pop of that exposed elastic G-string strap or presenting Debbie Downer with wooden plaque that reads Funniest “Rosie O’Donnell in Lindsey Lohan’s Clothes” Costume!. If she continues to sport such attire, well, that’s just the city of Starkville’s problem.

“Andy Kennedy’s Wife” Mode – This involves a wife filing a lawsuit against a tortfeasor (thank you wikipedia) for “loss of consortium”, which I’ve concluded pretty much means Momma hasn’t had an orgasm in a while and is very angry about it.

How do you reverse “Andy Kennedy’s Wife” Mode?
Well since I’ve never had sex with any husbands, I’m assuming the wife should know better than me, but I’m willing to recommend that she go back to doing whatever it was that caused the poor guy to marry her. No gentlemen, this does not mean you should give her a wooden plaque that reads “Best Lindsey Lohan in Rosie O’Donnell Clothes” Costume! Everybody knows Lindsey Lohan is a whore, and calling your wife a prostitute won’t solve anything.

Well, I hope you grasped the concept. If you catch yourself people watching any time this week, give it a shot!

Cheers blokes,
Courtesy “George Lopez” Mode

* If you don’t get that self-depreciating joke, you’re either (a.) a biased Mexican-American, (b.) dim-witted (thank you Microsoft Word “synonym for the word stupid” creator), or (c.) Carlos Mencia