My Valentine's Duty

So with Valentine’s Day scheduled for Sunday (Shouldn’t the Hallmark people have consulted with the restaurant owners? Sundays stink in terms of business.), this weekend will inevitably be a showcase event for many men across the nation. So what is Papa Hood going to do about it? Well, I’m going to provide backup support for any struggling comrade who appears to be blowing the date of his life. How, you say? Firstly, I’m going to wear a super-sized earpiece. From all the movies I’ve ever seen, massive ear equipment is definitely necessary when providing backup. Also, I’ll be on the lookout for couples sitting in awkward silence at Oxford’s fine-dining establishments. To cut the tension, I’ll be discreetly slipping jokes to my fellow brethren. Imagine this:

Tommy really likes Sandy, but doesn’t know how to tell her. Here are a couple of jokes that will save the day!

Tommy: So Sandy, what did the bulb say to the switch?
Sandy: Um, eh, I….don’t know? (exaggerated shoulder shrug, Sandy’s go-to move)
Tommy: YOU TURN ME ON!!! Booyakasha, fist bumb, high five, fist pump. Outstanding work Tommy, that one rocked!

Okay, how about this doozie of a one-liner:

Tommy: Hey Sandy, what did the paper clip say to the magnet?
Sandy: Um, ahh…eh…(Sandy’s a little slow)…hmh…I DON’T KNOW TOMMY, WHAT DID THE PAPER CLIP SAY TO THE MAGNET? (Sandy really likes jokes)
Tommy: I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE!!!
Sandy: Wow Tommy, I never knew you were so funny…I think I love you.

Tommy, you're welcome. America, you're next.

Well, now you can see for yourself how awesome my public service project is this weekend. If I’m really on my game, I might just spark off an engagement or two. If you’ve read my blog before, you know I’ve already ruined one wedding.

My final duty involves candy. Specifically, Reese’s peanut butter cups. Everybody and their drunk uncle knows that the ladies have sickly cravings for chocolate around February 14th. So what’s the best remedy? Those little creamy, melt-in-your-mouth buttercups that make you say “oh!” For the sake of full disclosure, I just stole that sentence from an R. Kelly song. That leads me to my next suggestion. Never, under any circumstance, recite R. Kelly lyrics to your special someone and think you’re being “romantic”. The words cocoa butter and juicy booty will only get you in the dog house. And by dog house, I mean a lifetime of sucking up.

So guys, endure your romantic occasion with confidence because I’ll be in full blown Jason Bourne mode to back you up. And remember, no excessive drinking, no cursing, don’t make eye contact with another woman the whole time, let her talk and pick the music in the car (or go with "I'd Rather Be With You" by Joshua Radin, it's a big hit with the skirts), never stop nodding your head yes, and tell her she’s pretty. If all goes right, she might let you be nice to her again.

Good luck kiddos